On Suicide

September is Suicide Awareness Month. I want this blog to be a place where we don’t shy away from the hard stuff. Life in Christ never promises to be a life free of trials. Just God’s Love and Grace to lean on when times are tough.

Before I start. Let me give you some vital information.

7 tips from Johns Hopkins Medicine

– offer help and support. If a loved one is struggling, encourage them to seek professional care.
– restrict access to weapons as much as possible
-look out for each other. reach out when struggline; be honest with your feelings; and trust your support system

If you or a love one is in crisis, call the toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK

Pictured above is my mother.

My mom was a force of nature. She grew up in rural North Carolina. After college my mom joined the Peace Corps and traveled throughout the Middle East, Eastern Europe and West Asia. She then traveled throughout Europe just for fun. After returning to the States she trained peace corp volunteers.

In Texas she met my dad. They moved to Japan as educational missionairies just three months after my birth. 6 years later they moved back to the States with my younger sister and I.

My mom raised 2 girls and was a foster mom to my two foster sisters and my two foster brothers. She loved her 5 grandsons fiercely. She loved history and taught both history and gifted students in our local school district.

But she had the demon of untreated mental health that was rampant in the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s. There were seasons in my life where I was simply told “she’s in the hospital”. Then my mom would be back. Talking about books, baking cookies and watching her crime shows.

When I asked her if she was okay, she would laugh and tell me I had an active imagination. Then she would give me a look. A look that says we will not discuss this. So we remained silent.

I spent my entire life afraid that she might break. Whatever that meant. Others perceived her as so strong. And she was. She was also fragile. Strong and fragile.

Then, 10 years ago, my mom did break. She chose not to eat. My dad and I took turns watching her in the hospital where she was on a suicide watch. She eventually died due to complications of anorexia. We couldn’t convince her to eat. She wanted to die on her own terms.

My biggest fear had come true.

I turn to God and wonder why we were not enough for her. I wonder why her faith wasn’t strong enough…

I have to believe that God is just as broken hearted as I am. I believe he has never stopped loving her in her brokenness. After all, He loves all of us in our mess.

There are seven suicides in the Bible. Abimelech (Judges 9:54), Samson (Judges 16:30),Saul (1 Sam 31:4),Saul’s armor bearer (1 Sam 31:5) Ahithophel (2 Sam 17:23), Zimri (1 Kings 16:18), and we all know Judas (Matt 27,5).

In my life I have lost two close friends, a cousin, two uncles and my mom to suicide. The ripple effects are unending..and my heart breaks when I think of how hopeless they must feel to take this course.

After my moms death, I am numb. I wonder what I could have done. The signs were there. We simply didn’t see them. She had bought the entire family dress clothes for “an event we would need them for” (her funeral). She had started giving away family heirlooms.

My family and I thought she was just in a slight depression. I wish we had paid better attention. She was depressed sometimes. She always found her way back.

Lots of therapy has helped me let go of the guilt that comes when a family member takes their life. I will probably always struggle with the abandonment portion of it.

I am just one of many affected by the ripple effects of suicide.

Please, please. Pay attention to those in your life. We , as a society are more isolated from family and friends now than ever before. We are bombarded with information and lonelier than ever.

If you are struggling, please ask someone you trust for help.

BREAK THE SILENCE

Reach out to the number at the top of this post.

You are made in the image of God my friend. And God loves you beyond measure.