faithuntamed

Tag: life

  • Season of Quiet Growth

    Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

    3 For everything there is a season, and a time for every [a]purpose under heaven: 2 a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; 3 a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 6 a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 7 a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 8 a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.

    Several months ago, I was asked to do crosswalk duty at work. Just one morning to fill in for an absent coworker.

    I had never done crosswalk duty. I asked what needed to be done and hoped I didn’t break some unknown crosswalk duty etiquette.

    I went out with my neon yellow jacket and stop sign. I had so much fun. Who knew?

    It wasn’t the helping families cross the street (without getting smooshed like bugs) that was fun. It was the greeting of families and trying something new.

    As I was thinking about the small thrill of trying something new, I realized that Hot Stuff and I had gotten into quite a rut.

    We show up for a handful of ministries to serve. We work. We come home and watch entirely too much tv.

    I read A Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes, a few years ago. Shonda talks about fighting her introspective and homebody tendencies for a year and saying yes to numerous opportunities. (very paraphrased)

    I decided right there, in my yellow vest with a stop sign, that I would start walking through open doors more often. Or more specifically, I would intentionally try something new weekly.

    Working in a zoo-supported nature school makes this pretty easy. In the past few months I have had several animal encounters. Feeding giraffes, feeding flamingos, feeding lorikeets, playing in mud and (gasp) petting snakes. Yes, that last one terrifies me, but hey, I did it!

    I say “yes” to leading a book club. I haven’t been in a book club in decades(!).

    I will return to our local community orchestra in the Fall.

    I am plotting the formation of a San Antonio area Feral Writer’s Club. A writer’s club for both hobby and proffessional writers to simply help each other find their writing styles. To encourage each other to tell their stories.

    I change my writing habits. Instead of trying to force myself to find some time for solitude daily, I binge write for the first week of every month. Then? I simply write/edit when I feel like it. Letting go of the “should write daily” and embracing my binge writing self has been a game changer for me.

    But the biggest “new thing” for both Hot Stuff and I was downsizing from our 1500 square foot rental home into an 800 sq foot apartment. A small apartment situated on the second floor of a quadraplex. A quadraplex with a beautiful view of our local park and the San Antonio skyline.

    We had talked about downsizing for years. This time, when the opportunity arose, we jumped on it.

    Best. Move. Ever.

    Downsizing caused us not just to get rid of more household items than imagined, but to really look at what was important to us and where our priorities lie.

    We agree we are in a new season. We want to start fresh.

    When Hot Stuff and I got married, we were both processing a lot of traumas. We did the hard work of therapy, grief, and rebuilding a kind and gentle life for ourselves.

     We threw ourselves into ministry out of gratitude for life and life abundant. We have spent the past decade serving God and others in both organized and unorganized ways.

    When we moved into our new place, we gave ourselves permission to step back from ministries for awhile.

     Our home is simple. Our lives are simple. We are giving ourselves the gift of time, just the two of us, that we have never really had.

    We go to work. We pray for direction on where this healing season lies, and we savor the gifts God has placed before us daily.

     I once heard a podcast (Abiding Presence) in which the discussion on the Prodigal son turned to the ways we hurt/ turn away from God. One of the moderators said she believes we hurt God most may not in our disobedience, but our refusal to enjoy the gifts that are placed before us.

    Hot Stuff and I are deliberately enjoying our gift of a quiet, simple life.

    We do still watch way too much tv. We are trying, however, to be more intentional about how we spend our time.

     We found some Louisiana Soul Food Cook books while on a family vacation at the beach. We are slowly working our way through these recipes on Soul Food Sundays.

    While we both grew up cooking a lot of Soul and Southern food, we are trying to stick to the restaurant recipes each week. To see what we can learn. To try new things.

    We are slowly growing a deck garden. Yes, a super-hot, South Texas, no shade deck garden. The horticulturalist at work has been showing me how to propagate plants that survive the heat.

    Our neighbors gave us permission to take over the quadroplex deck.

    A close friend gave me a spiral plant stand and some plants that do well in this heat. The apartment workers gave us another planter.

    We envision a small deck garden for all our neighbors to enjoy as well as a pollinator pit stop for our pollinator friends.

    We are savoring (Ecclesiastes 8) a season of quiet, peaceful seeking and deep healing.

     A season of quiet growth.

  • The Art of Doing Nothing

    Yesterday would have been my mom’s birthday. I spent it doing nothing. Absolutely nothing.

    It was beautiful.

    There have been seasons in my life when I understood the importance of doing nothing. I think back to 7th-10th grade when I would come home from school and put on a record album. (yes, I’m THAT old). I would sit in a rocking chair and just rock as I listened to Swan Lake, Grease, the Kinks, the Doors or AC/DC…depending on my mood.

    Then? I would go into my bedroom and lie on my bed and look out the window. Just stare and do nothing.

    This ritual usually took all of one hour..then..you know, homework, violin practice, playing with friends and starting dinner for the family (latch-key kid here), etc.

    I never appreciated the beauty of that hour of nothing until I didn’t have it.

    Once I started driving? No time for nothing. Part time jobs, which continued through college along with increased study loads, more practice time (violin) and my desire to party (it was the 80’s) ate all my free time. Though I did occasionally spend time in my practice room, just starting out the window;)

    Once I was a parent, all bets were off. I did not have the luxury of doing nothing until decades later. I had simply forgotten how.

    God likes our nothing. He can do amazing things out of nothing. How can we allow God to work within us if we are too busy or too full of swarming thoughts that we don’t give ourselves time to process. If we don’t give ourselves time to dream, imagine, to just sit. still…How can we have room for God?

    How can God, who created the universe with nothing, use me if I don’t empty myself. Empty myself of pride, worries, problem fixing. Empty myself of doing and

    just. be.

    So yesterday? I visited with some college friends via zoom in the am. Lovely visit!

    Then? I turned off the computer. I turned off the phone. I climbed in my bed and just stared out of my bedroom window for hours.

    I could literally feel my brain rest without all the noise.

    I had forgotten the importance of doing nothing. I hope to find a way to incorporate nothingness more regularly into my daily being.

  • On Suicide

    September is Suicide Awareness Month. I want this blog to be a place where we don’t shy away from the hard stuff. Life in Christ never promises to be a life free of trials. Just God’s Love and Grace to lean on when times are tough.

    Before I start. Let me give you some vital information.

    7 tips from Johns Hopkins Medicine

    – offer help and support. If a loved one is struggling, encourage them to seek professional care.
    – restrict access to weapons as much as possible
    -look out for each other. reach out when struggline; be honest with your feelings; and trust your support system

    If you or a love one is in crisis, call the toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK

    Pictured above is my mother.

    My mom was a force of nature. She grew up in rural North Carolina. After college my mom joined the Peace Corps and traveled throughout the Middle East, Eastern Europe and West Asia. She then traveled throughout Europe just for fun. After returning to the States she trained peace corp volunteers.

    In Texas she met my dad. They moved to Japan as educational missionairies just three months after my birth. 6 years later they moved back to the States with my younger sister and I.

    My mom raised 2 girls and was a foster mom to my two foster sisters and my two foster brothers. She loved her 5 grandsons fiercely. She loved history and taught both history and gifted students in our local school district.

    But she had the demon of untreated mental health that was rampant in the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s. There were seasons in my life where I was simply told “she’s in the hospital”. Then my mom would be back. Talking about books, baking cookies and watching her crime shows.

    When I asked her if she was okay, she would laugh and tell me I had an active imagination. Then she would give me a look. A look that says we will not discuss this. So we remained silent.

    I spent my entire life afraid that she might break. Whatever that meant. Others perceived her as so strong. And she was. She was also fragile. Strong and fragile.

    Then, 10 years ago, my mom did break. She chose not to eat. My dad and I took turns watching her in the hospital where she was on a suicide watch. She eventually died due to complications of anorexia. We couldn’t convince her to eat. She wanted to die on her own terms.

    My biggest fear had come true.

    I turn to God and wonder why we were not enough for her. I wonder why her faith wasn’t strong enough…

    I have to believe that God is just as broken hearted as I am. I believe he has never stopped loving her in her brokenness. After all, He loves all of us in our mess.

    There are seven suicides in the Bible. Abimelech (Judges 9:54), Samson (Judges 16:30),Saul (1 Sam 31:4),Saul’s armor bearer (1 Sam 31:5) Ahithophel (2 Sam 17:23), Zimri (1 Kings 16:18), and we all know Judas (Matt 27,5).

    In my life I have lost two close friends, a cousin, two uncles and my mom to suicide. The ripple effects are unending..and my heart breaks when I think of how hopeless they must feel to take this course.

    After my moms death, I am numb. I wonder what I could have done. The signs were there. We simply didn’t see them. She had bought the entire family dress clothes for “an event we would need them for” (her funeral). She had started giving away family heirlooms.

    My family and I thought she was just in a slight depression. I wish we had paid better attention. She was depressed sometimes. She always found her way back.

    Lots of therapy has helped me let go of the guilt that comes when a family member takes their life. I will probably always struggle with the abandonment portion of it.

    I am just one of many affected by the ripple effects of suicide.

    Please, please. Pay attention to those in your life. We , as a society are more isolated from family and friends now than ever before. We are bombarded with information and lonelier than ever.

    If you are struggling, please ask someone you trust for help.

    BREAK THE SILENCE

    Reach out to the number at the top of this post.

    You are made in the image of God my friend. And God loves you beyond measure.