This morning I am sitting on my front porch.
Next to me is a glass table holding a plant I cannot name, a paperback romance, my cell phone, and a glass of tea. My dog barks at a neighborhood boy on a bicycle. I can hear birds chirping everywhere. I smell Fabuloso floor cleaner, Mr. Clean, and a mix of wet dirt and just rained, morning air.
I spent the morning cleaning and now I can just chill on my porch for the rest of the day.
Spring Break is a beautiful thing.
I am just a tad chilly in my jeans, t-shirt and my flannel shirt that is pretending to be a jacket.
My pretend flannel jacket/shirt that has two pairs of glasses in my pocket. One pair for reading, one for seeing, and my computer glasses are currently on the top of my head.
Wow. Three pairs of glasses. Each one assisting me to see different parts of the world more clearly. Unfortunately, none of these help me see my music during orchestra rehearsals. Do I (gasp) need a fourth pair for seeing sheet music?
Last rehearsal, I kept leaning into my stand partner’s arm to see the music. You know, the arm that is moving up and down the neck of the violin to play notes. After apologizing for the gazillionth time, my stand partner assured me that he had difficulty seeing also. I mean look, he says the notes are extra tiny on this piece.(I think he was being polite) He assured me he was bringing a light to place on our music stand next rehearsal.
The violinist behind me just laughed. Forget it. Nicole, you just need your own stand with a light on your head. Gotta love the support of fellow musicians.
So, yes. A visit to the optometrist to get orchestra glasses is in order.
I am telling you about my declining vision, because this Lent I chose to give up coveting. I want to see clearer. To see what my world looks like if I become more aware of the things, circumstances, situations I covet.
I feel like I am spending WAAY too much time on Amazon. I am trying to buy the life I want instead of just living it. I spend too much time on Zillow..wondering what it would be like to have a home of our own, or another place to rent..
Relationships? I covet what appear to be healthy/authentic/enjoyable adult-children’s relationships that some of my friends have cultivated. Relationships where they see their kids and grandkids all the time.
As I realize the circumstances I am putting as larger than God, I feel covetous. The circumstances in which I am unappreciative. I feel guilty. I feel ungrateful. This realization spiralsl into shame…which leads to more retail therapy…back to Amazon, back to Zillow. How do I buy the life I desire?
When this year’s lenten season started, I was like Okay, God…help me see all the areas I am covetous. Uhm..and gently please.
I wonder what covetousness is, exactly.
I looked up definitions on Google. So many variations..from doing something you shouldn’t to obtain an object to, what I think I was struggling with. Turning your desire for some thing, circumstance, or situation to change that the desire becomes a false idol. Covetousness.
That God is not enough.
And there it was. My new lens to see through. Did I really believe that God is not enough?
Did I believe that God wasn’t enough because I had some children that don’t keep in touch as much as I would like? Children that are NOT afraid to tell me what is really going on. What their opinions are, when they are stressed, when they are excited. Children who aren’t afraid to say Mom, I’m going to be really busy, so it will be awhile before we can talk.
I read an article from a mom who saw her children every week and had no idea what was going on with them. I realized that my weekly text thread, and periodic visits were very real. I was wanting quantity over quality.
I used to pray that my own children would never be afraid to tell me what they really thought. I realize this prayer has been answered. I just don’t always like what I hear.
How many other answered prayers am I living?
My home, the one I keep complaining about. The home with no central air or heat. The home with slanted floors and electrical outlets that don’t work. Hot Stuff and I prayed for this home. Why? Because we wanted space for our family and friends. AND because I LOVE this front porch!
This neighborhood. The one with a cat colony(ugh), and airplanes flying overhead all the time.
I prayed to live in this neighborhood years before I moved here. At the time I was living in a small, Tx. hill-country town. I wanted desperately to move back to the city in which I grew up. I missed living in a city.
To know what a healthy, real, loving and kind marriage is. To know what it is like to be married to a best friend. Answered prayer.
The weirdo dog that I get irritated with? An answered prayer
A small prayer. Hey God, I wonder what it’s like to have a cat…
That week, the weirdo dog, led us to a stranded kitten. There had been a crazy storm the night before. The dog led us to a kitten, stranded in a puddle.
A kitten that Hot Stuff never wanted and now can’t stand to leave at home.
Wanna go to dinner? I’ll ask Hot Stuff on the way home from work.
Sweetie…the pets. The cat’s gonna be mad. I’ll cook dinner.
Yup. The cat that now rules our house.
An answered prayer.
My job? I wonder what it would be like to work at the zoo?
What do you know, lupus and all. Makes no sense, but I get a job with the zoo. Still in education, but the zoo none-the-less. Answered prayer.
Hot Stuff’s job as a pool tech. Albinism and all, still makes no sense. My husband applied on a whim. Turned out, his (now) supervisor, is an old friend. Answered prayer.
The first day of my Spring Break, Hot Stuff and his friends practiced music at our house.
The house we prayed for was filled with praise music. A house filled with laughter, seriousness, music and deep friendship.
God has given me a new lens to look through this Lent.
I hope I don’t lose sight of this new clarity.
faithuntamed 