faithuntamed

Faith Untamed

  • Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

    3 For everything there is a season, and a time for every [a]purpose under heaven: 2 a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; 3 a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 6 a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 7 a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 8 a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.

    Several months ago, I was asked to do crosswalk duty at work. Just one morning to fill in for an absent coworker.

    I had never done crosswalk duty. I asked what needed to be done and hoped I didn’t break some unknown crosswalk duty etiquette.

    I went out with my neon yellow jacket and stop sign. I had so much fun. Who knew?

    It wasn’t the helping families cross the street (without getting smooshed like bugs) that was fun. It was the greeting of families and trying something new.

    As I was thinking about the small thrill of trying something new, I realized that Hot Stuff and I had gotten into quite a rut.

    We show up for a handful of ministries to serve. We work. We come home and watch entirely too much tv.

    I read A Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes, a few years ago. Shonda talks about fighting her introspective and homebody tendencies for a year and saying yes to numerous opportunities. (very paraphrased)

    I decided right there, in my yellow vest with a stop sign, that I would start walking through open doors more often. Or more specifically, I would intentionally try something new weekly.

    Working in a zoo-supported nature school makes this pretty easy. In the past few months I have had several animal encounters. Feeding giraffes, feeding flamingos, feeding lorikeets, playing in mud and (gasp) petting snakes. Yes, that last one terrifies me, but hey, I did it!

    I say “yes” to leading a book club. I haven’t been in a book club in decades(!).

    I will return to our local community orchestra in the Fall.

    I am plotting the formation of a San Antonio area Feral Writer’s Club. A writer’s club for both hobby and proffessional writers to simply help each other find their writing styles. To encourage each other to tell their stories.

    I change my writing habits. Instead of trying to force myself to find some time for solitude daily, I binge write for the first week of every month. Then? I simply write/edit when I feel like it. Letting go of the “should write daily” and embracing my binge writing self has been a game changer for me.

    But the biggest “new thing” for both Hot Stuff and I was downsizing from our 1500 square foot rental home into an 800 sq foot apartment. A small apartment situated on the second floor of a quadraplex. A quadraplex with a beautiful view of our local park and the San Antonio skyline.

    We had talked about downsizing for years. This time, when the opportunity arose, we jumped on it.

    Best. Move. Ever.

    Downsizing caused us not just to get rid of more household items than imagined, but to really look at what was important to us and where our priorities lie.

    We agree we are in a new season. We want to start fresh.

    When Hot Stuff and I got married, we were both processing a lot of traumas. We did the hard work of therapy, grief, and rebuilding a kind and gentle life for ourselves.

     We threw ourselves into ministry out of gratitude for life and life abundant. We have spent the past decade serving God and others in both organized and unorganized ways.

    When we moved into our new place, we gave ourselves permission to step back from ministries for awhile.

     Our home is simple. Our lives are simple. We are giving ourselves the gift of time, just the two of us, that we have never really had.

    We go to work. We pray for direction on where this healing season lies, and we savor the gifts God has placed before us daily.

     I once heard a podcast (Abiding Presence) in which the discussion on the Prodigal son turned to the ways we hurt/ turn away from God. One of the moderators said she believes we hurt God most may not in our disobedience, but our refusal to enjoy the gifts that are placed before us.

    Hot Stuff and I are deliberately enjoying our gift of a quiet, simple life.

    We do still watch way too much tv. We are trying, however, to be more intentional about how we spend our time.

     We found some Louisiana Soul Food Cook books while on a family vacation at the beach. We are slowly working our way through these recipes on Soul Food Sundays.

    While we both grew up cooking a lot of Soul and Southern food, we are trying to stick to the restaurant recipes each week. To see what we can learn. To try new things.

    We are slowly growing a deck garden. Yes, a super-hot, South Texas, no shade deck garden. The horticulturalist at work has been showing me how to propagate plants that survive the heat.

    Our neighbors gave us permission to take over the quadroplex deck.

    A close friend gave me a spiral plant stand and some plants that do well in this heat. The apartment workers gave us another planter.

    We envision a small deck garden for all our neighbors to enjoy as well as a pollinator pit stop for our pollinator friends.

    We are savoring (Ecclesiastes 8) a season of quiet, peaceful seeking and deep healing.

     A season of quiet growth.

  • This past week I worked at a conference of nature educators.

     I made sure snack bowls were filled, set up chairs and helped presenters with random needs. In return, I had the pleasure of sitting in on a series of talks about early childhood, nature education, climate crisis, sustainable practices and policy making.

    You name it. If it involved our natural world, or early education, there was a workshop to attend.

     My deeply buried, inner law-student emerged as I chose to sit in on a slew of policy workshops.

     I was horrified at the statistics that point to our apathy, my apathy; the feeling that this world is disposable, that pollution and ecological harm, that growing inequity for basic needs are justified for whatever urgent desire or capital gain is pressing.

      I was also in awe at the work being done by extremely creative and passionate souls who simply exemplify compassion and action. Souls from around the world who say, “This is not okay. Let’s imagine some solutions. ‘What if…’? How can we shape the ‘what if…’ into reality?”

    Mostly, I felt an overwhelming sense of shame and panic.

    Shame that we, as a society, have allowed things to get to this state. Shame at my own apathy and indifference. Shame for the parts I have played, and no doubt, continue to play.

    Panic as I watched those around me frantically try to imagine solutions to fix our mess.

    I did my part. I signed up for a few tasks, offered to comb through slews of bills. I listened. I prayed.

    “God…we have created quite a mess, what is my part here?”

    Hot Stuff and I recently spent some time on the Texas Gulf Coast with family.

    During this vacation, I spent hours looking out at the ocean in complete wonder and gratitude. I had forgotten that God’s creation, the animals, the humans, the trees, the oceans, the sunsets are God’s gifts to us. It was humbling.

    God has gifted us a beautiful world, and I am reminded of 1 Corinthians 13. The “love chapter”.

    If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

    4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

    8 Love never fails.

    We are called to stewardship, and I desire to be the best steward for God’s creation I can from a spirit of love and gratitude for what is still here. Not out of shame and panic.

    Even in the midst of our neglect, we still have springs that provide water, we still have vast oceans and beautiful canyons. We have trees that blow in the wind. We have gentle breezes and stunning sunsets.

    God keeps giving even when we are a hot mess.

    I choose gratitude and love in small steps.

     I will comb through bills with a backdrop of love and gratitude. I will continue introducing young children to the joys of nature because I choose love. I will care for the creatures before me because I choose love.

    I will continue to write, because I choose love.

    And just in case you didn’t know?

     YOU ARE LOVED.

  • May was lupus awareness month.

    I realize this is now June, but I want to share a little of my autoimmune journey and what God has shown me along the way.

    I won’t give you all the sordid details of the journey to diagnosis.

    Just know that I have been diagnosed with lupus and antisyntethase syndrome (A.S.S. for short. Yes. I think this is funny). To paraphrase,  lupus attacks my organs whenever it pleases. A.S.S.  attacks my muscles as it pleases. Both lupus and A.S.S. love to play in my lungs.

    Before being diagnosed, I was fulfilling a long-term desire to complete law school. It was during finals of my 2L year when I was first diagnosed with lupus. I tried to push through anyway.

    For me, this was a TERRIBLE idea. Several ER visits later, I realized I could not maintain legal studies. I went from cramming for finals to being homebound for the next three years.

    I looked okay on the outside. Inside? Several of my organs were having a party and creating chaos. Breathing was becoming a real struggle.

    It was during my many months/years in bed that I learned to fail at many things.

    Think I’ll check the mail..oops. That was a bad idea…too much sun..flaring…back to bed. Think I’ll do some dishes…oops…I’m exhausted..I can’t breathe. Back to bed.

    I learned to fail well. To truly accept failure as a new way of learning what i could and could not do.

    It took some grieving.

    I learned to say goodbye to my lawyering dreams, to say goodbye to ever returning to my previous work with the special needs community. I learned to accept the reality that I could not be relied upon to complete obligations.

    It was during this season of being homebound, that I learned to lean deeply into prayer.

    That first summer, after being mostly stuck in bed for what seemed like an eternity, I kept asking God, “What is happening here? I thought I was going to be a voice for those who could not advocate for themselves. That I would love my neighbor by standing up for them when they could not.”

    I received no answer.

    I slept a lot.

    When I was awake, I prayed. Truth was, praying was the only thing I had strength to do.

     I prayed for understanding. I slept.   I prayed for clarity. I slept.  I prayed for my church family. I slept. I prayed for our neighbors. I slept.  I prayed for my children. I slept.

     I began taking prayer requests from others. I prayed. I slept.

    Mathew 11:28-30
    28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

    I would watch Hot Stuff work several jobs and donate plasma to offset my medical expenses, while I prayed and slept.

    I felt utterly useless. I felt guilty.  I was like “God, you have GOT to be kidding me.”

     When I apologized to Hot Stuff for not being to contribute to our household in any tangible way, he would just grin and say “Sweetie, you would do the same for me.”

    He was right. I would. But I still felt bad for him. I wanted to ease his burden and all I could do was pray. I know there is value in prayer, but sometimes it is easy to forget that value.

    I wanted to be of tangible value. Value that could be seen.

    God had other plans. I needed to learn the value in just being. The value in praying silently.

    I had to learn to receive Tracey’s giving sacrifices of time and energy, gracefully. To be honest, I still struggle with this.

    This homebound, stuck-in-bed season, was a huge crash course on learning to be dependent on others.

    I began thinking about my years working at a day-hab for adults and children with developmental and emotional delays. Clients who were sometimes completely paralyzed, but still could laugh while you changed their diaper. Clients who had every reason to be angry, depressed, and constantly anxious, but who had developed a quiet resilience and love of small things.

    Maybe I had been gifted those years with these precious souls to prepare me for lupus life now.

    After the end of the first 6 months of prayer, I realized my life ambitions had shifted from being an immigration lawyer to simply having the graceful humility and ability to listen and communicate with my heart. My previous dayhab clients, were my new heroes.

    I was led to Galatians 5:22-23.

     22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

    I spent the next three years, dwelling on the freedom this scripture brings.

     I didn’t have to be physically fit. I didn’t have to contribute to my household. I didn’t have to be socially active.

     I may desire these things…but I could still love and love deeply.

     I could find joy in small things.

     I was getting a CRASH COURSE in forbearance…as was Hot Stuff.

    I could spend my life turning to God to cultivate kindness, goodness and faithfulness within my heart.

     I could learn to be gentle towards myself as well as others.

    Everyone knows I could benefit from cultivating self-control. Yeah. I still need lots of help from God on this one. I’m a work in progress😊

    As I became slowly healthier, I began writing. All. The. Time.

    I started taking my writing more seriously.  I began some long-term writing projects. Works that are still in process.

    Somewhere along the line, my doctors got me sorted with a nice cocktail of medications and God graced me with a little autoimmune reprieve.

     I don’t know how long this little auto-immune reprieve will last. I still have a team of specialists I see regularly. I still have a ridiculous amount of lab work done on an ongoing basis. I can still feel like I’m starting a cold on Thursday and have bronchitis or pneumonia on Saturday. I still get easily fatigued. I never know what my energy level will be.

    But I will savor this season while I can.

    I wish I could say my prayer life is just as constant, deep and active as it was when I was homebound. But it’s just different. I think that is okay.

    I am grateful for these “bonus years” where I get to teach, and write, and actively engage with family and friends.

    I hope I never lose sight of the tings God has shown me.

  • This morning I am sitting on my front porch.

    Next to me is a glass table holding a plant I cannot name, a paperback romance, my cell phone, and a glass of tea. My dog barks at a neighborhood boy on a bicycle. I can hear birds chirping everywhere. I smell Fabuloso floor cleaner, Mr. Clean, and a mix of wet dirt and just rained, morning air.

     I spent the morning cleaning and now I can just chill on my porch for the rest of the day.

    Spring Break is a beautiful thing.

    I am just a tad chilly in my jeans, t-shirt and my flannel shirt that is pretending to be a jacket.

     My pretend flannel jacket/shirt that has two pairs of glasses in my pocket. One pair for reading, one for seeing, and my computer glasses are currently on the top of my head.

    Wow. Three pairs of glasses. Each one assisting me to see different parts of the world more clearly.  Unfortunately, none of these help me see my music during orchestra rehearsals. Do I (gasp) need a fourth pair for seeing sheet music?

    Last rehearsal, I kept leaning into my stand partner’s arm to see the music. You know, the arm that is moving up and down the neck of the violin to play notes. After apologizing for the gazillionth time, my stand partner assured me that he had difficulty seeing also. I mean look, he says the notes are extra tiny on this piece.(I think he was being polite) He assured me he was bringing a light to place on our music stand next rehearsal.

    The violinist behind me just laughed. Forget it. Nicole, you just need your own stand with a light on your head.  Gotta love the support of fellow musicians.

    So, yes. A visit to the optometrist to get orchestra glasses is in order.

    I am telling you about my declining vision, because this Lent I chose to give up coveting. I want to see clearer. To see what my world looks like if I become more aware of the things, circumstances, situations I covet.

    I feel like I am spending WAAY too much time on Amazon. I am trying to buy the life I want instead of just living it. I spend too much time on Zillow..wondering what it would be like to have a home of our own, or another place to rent..

    Relationships? I covet what appear to be healthy/authentic/enjoyable adult-children’s relationships that some of my friends have cultivated. Relationships where they see their kids and grandkids all the time.

     As I realize the circumstances I am putting as larger than God, I feel covetous. The circumstances in which I am unappreciative. I feel guilty. I feel ungrateful. This realization spiralsl into shame…which leads to more retail therapy…back to Amazon, back to Zillow. How do I buy the life I desire?

    When this year’s lenten season started, I was like Okay, God…help me see all the areas I am covetous. Uhm..and gently please.

    I wonder what covetousness is, exactly.

    I looked up definitions on Google. So many variations..from doing something you shouldn’t to obtain an object to, what I think I was struggling with. Turning your desire for some thing, circumstance, or situation to change that the desire becomes a false idol. Covetousness.

    That God is not enough.

    And there it was. My new lens to see through. Did I really believe that God is not enough?

    Did I believe that God wasn’t enough because I had some children that don’t keep in touch as much as I would like? Children that are NOT afraid to tell me what is really going on. What their opinions are, when they are stressed, when they are excited. Children who aren’t afraid to say Mom, I’m going to be really busy, so it will be awhile before we can talk.

    I read an article from a mom who saw her children every week and had no idea what was going on with them. I realized that my weekly text thread, and periodic visits were very real. I was wanting quantity over quality.

    I used to pray that my own children would never be afraid to tell me what they really thought. I realize this prayer has been answered. I just don’t always like what I hear.

    How many other answered prayers am I living?

    My home, the one I keep complaining about. The home with no central air or heat. The home with slanted floors and electrical outlets that don’t work. Hot Stuff and I prayed for this home. Why? Because we wanted space for our family and friends. AND because I LOVE this front porch!

    This neighborhood. The one with a cat colony(ugh), and airplanes flying overhead all the time.

    I prayed to live in this neighborhood years before I moved here. At the time I was living in a small, Tx. hill-country town. I wanted desperately to move back to the city in which I grew up. I missed living in a city.

     To know what a healthy, real, loving and kind marriage is. To know what it is like to be married to a best friend. Answered prayer.

    The weirdo dog that I get irritated with? An answered prayer

     A small prayer. Hey God, I wonder what it’s like to have a cat…

    That week, the weirdo dog, led us to a stranded kitten. There had been a crazy storm the night before. The dog led us to a kitten, stranded in a puddle.

    A kitten that Hot Stuff never wanted and now can’t stand to leave at home.

    Wanna go to dinner? I’ll ask Hot Stuff on the way home from work.

    Sweetie…the pets. The cat’s gonna be mad. I’ll cook dinner.

    Yup. The cat that now rules our house.

     An answered prayer.

    My job? I wonder what it would be like to work at the zoo?   

    What do you know, lupus and all. Makes no sense, but I get a job with the zoo. Still in education, but the zoo none-the-less. Answered prayer.

    Hot Stuff’s job as a pool tech. Albinism and all, still makes no sense. My husband applied on a whim. Turned out, his (now) supervisor, is an old friend. Answered prayer.

    The first day of my Spring Break, Hot Stuff and his friends practiced music at our house.

    The house we prayed for was filled with praise music. A house filled with laughter, seriousness, music and deep friendship.

    God has given me a new lens to look through this Lent.

    I hope I don’t lose sight of this new clarity.

  • I didn’t mean to let an entire month pass.

    I am currently participating in a 90-day novel writing challenge. I am technically on day 29.

    This is me in my favorite writing spot. I clock out of work and plant myself at this picnic table a couple days a week. The weather has been beautiful and I have quite enjoyed myself.

    90 days to write a book? Not quite true.

    To clarify, I had been working on project “Captain Sasha” for 3 years before I decided to participate in this “90-day challenge”. To say “I am writing a first, completed and edited draft in 90 days” is a flat out lie.

    I am stating this, because I recently ran an application on my draft of Captain Sasha. This application shows words I use too/most frequently. I expected it to say that I had overused words like “that” or “from”. What was generated was “truth”.

    “Truth”

    Sure enough. I had used the word “truth” at least 8 times in less than 2 chapters. (and just an fyi, I counted..I use the word at least 10 times here)

    Good grief!

    I am a firm believer that a good work of fiction is only believable when grounded in truth. But this was ridiculous.

    I wondered what underlying theme I was subconsciously wrestling with.

    Project Sasha is a story of a precocious 12-year-old girl and her peers who become child pirates as they evade a feared civilian militia.

    A way for me to write the stories of undocumented minors/justice department kiddos/refugees and former gang members that I have befriended over the years. Stories I am not at liberty to share.

    Stories that humanize those we marginalize.

    Stories I can tell in a fictionalized, environmentally-devastated future, with pirates. Who doesn’t like a good pirate story?

    Truth.

    As I did a little more soul searching, I kept wondering why truth is so important to me?

    As a domestic violence survivor, I realize that truth is important to me because finally owning my truth, has cost me much.

    After years of simultaneously being gaslighted and choosing denial, I finally owned my reality.

    I spoke truth to those who asked. I kept quiet as a host of untruths, attacks against my character and downright crazy rumors, came my way.

    I owned my mistakes.

    Recognizing the reality of my circumstances made people uncomfortable. Speaking honestly when asked made people uncomfortable. Sometimes, the truth isn’t comfortable.

     Speaking truth labeled me as “too” (excitable, dramatic, sensitive, imaginative, fill in blank here). It led to an entire community and some family believing incredulous stories about me. It led to the realization that people I thought knew me, didn’t know me at all.

    Speaking truth labeled me “a liar.” (the irony here)

    It cost me relationships I still value.

    Yet, despite the costs, recognizing and speaking my truth set me free. Free from living in denial. Free to breathe without fear. Free to remember who I am and WHOSE I am.  (John 1:12, Ephesians 2:10, Ephesians 1:4)

    I turn to scripture often. Whenever I am worried, stressed, tired, or anxious. I turn to the Word.

     Why? Because even though Dr. Google is convenient. Dr. Google doesn’t help. Dr. Google? Isn’t truth…and I really do value honesty.

    Dr.Google tells me to cut people off, or to abandon myself and make peace.  Dr. Google tries to sell me healing books, remedies, strategies and courses on family healing.

    The word of God says  For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7)

    God reminds me that I have been gifted with faith, mercy, love and a sound mind. I am grateful for those gifts.

    The word of God is truth (John 17:17)

    Our news stations, our social media, our internet are full of noise. I encourage you, dear reader, to give your heart and soul a breather. If you crave truth?  Turn to the Word.

    Jesus answered’I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me’ (John 14:6)

    All your words are true; all your righteous laws are eternal. (Psalm 119:160)

    The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy (Proverbs 12:22)

    Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. (John 8:32)

    Go ahead and take a read. I dare you;)

  • When asked who I relate to the most in the bible? Hands down, the answer is the Samaritan woman at the Well. (John 4:1-40)

    It was not always this way.

    For years I thought I was more like Miriam. (Exodus) A carer for siblings (Exodus 2:1-10), a musician and prophetess (Exodus 15:20-21)

    But then it happened. I hit my rock-bottom when I was in my early 40’s.

    I was in a marriage that was beyond repair. I believed in the sanctity of marriage and was simply going to hang in for the “worse” part of “better or worse”

    Then?  I did the unthinkable and after 22 years of marriage, I stepped into the arms of another man.

     The affair that lasted several months. I absolutely hated myself. Finally, i just couldn’t anymore.

    I left this guy stranded at a campground and returned home. Confessing all to my first husband.

     I had betrayed the trust of my family. Hurt the people I love most.

    “How?” I would ask myself. “How did I get here?”

    I knew I was in over my head. I began a 12 step program and therapy. I immersed myself in deep study of the women of the bible. I’m talking hours a day for almost 3 years.

    One day my therapist said, “Nicole, you have over 40years of bottled-up dysfunction and it spilled out in the form of an affair,” . It was only after her insight that I could begin the journey of forgiving myself.

    I began the lifelong work of understanding codependency. Understanding and owning my part. I am still a work in progress.

    As  I developed more social and emotional tools, I acknowledged it was time to leave my marriage.

    It was an AWFUL separation. If it could go wrong, it did. Family shunning, smear campaigns, safety issues, job losses,..it was an unending nightmare.

    During this time, Hot Stuff stood by my side. Hot Stuff, my friend and now husband.

    Hence husband number two.

    A man whom I had met in prison years before. A man who had committed a pawn shop robbery when he was in his early 20’s. The kindest, gentlest, and strongest man-of -faith I knew.

    Still, what my family saw was a mom who had cheated and then left for a guy who had been in prison.

     It is easy to see why I became a social pariah. The “woman at the well” so to speak.

    “I am not worthy to be loved by you.” I tell God. “I have alienated my family and failed bringing them closer in relationship with you”

    “Yes” God replies. “And now you are with another.”

    “I have hurt the people I love the most.” I tell God. “Yes” God replies. “I see you. I choose you. Go and tell others what I have done for you.”

    I am reminded of this because even though Hot Stuff and I have been married for almost a decade, I still have family members and previous friends who see me as reckless and selfish.

    I am still held in unforgiveness by some.

    And yes, it hurts.

    To be seen as unworthy ALWAYS hurts.

    But here’s the thing, what is gossip for some, is now my testimony.

    I KNOW what I have been forgiven for. I KNOW that I can’t do this thing called life in my own strength. Many people don’t ever have this gift of KNOWING.

    So to me? My faith is very real. It is a gift to be seen in your vulnerability and be accepted. To be a vulnerable warrior.

    I had a friend tell me once that the reason the womAn was by herself at the well was because she was not allowed to be with the womEn at the well. The womEn went together for social and safety reasons.

     The womAn was “uninvited”, “didn’t make the cut”, “unworthy”…

    “I am unworthy” she tells Jesus.

    “I am unworthy” I tell Jesus.

    I would much rather be the womAn at the well than the women. Unfortunately, there are seasons in my life I have been the women.

     I have learned to forgive myself for that as well. To do better moving forward.

     By the Grace of God, I have learned that owning  my mistakes and learning from them is all any of us can do. I have been gifted with courage, unconditional love, and emotional bravery.

    Thank you, God, for  meeting me at the well.

  • It is 20ish degrees outside in my South Texas City. The streets are covered in ice.

    I wake up super early this morning to spend some time with God.

    Family events, personal events, national events. All bitter sweet. Bitter because there is so much heartbreak. Sweet because, well, there is love mixed into all of it.

    I have a new grand child. My heart is pierced with a painful love. I am so in love, yet family estrangements make it difficult for me to be a part of her life.

    I think of all the children at work.. I wonder, how do I protect my students, my neighbors, my family? I research what legal safeguards are still in place.

    I watch the political violence in Minneapolis.

     I am mortified.

    I simply cannot fathom any way/time/circumstance in which  political violence against the vulnerable is considered acceptable. Yet I have seen this violence played out my entire life. In Timisoara, Romania as a child, in Los Angeles, CA, US in my twenties, all along our Southern Borders for the past decade and a half..

    I wish, so very much, that we would learn from our mistakes in history.

    I pray.

    “Dear One (for this is how I refer to God in my prayer journals) What do I do with this? What is my part? How do I stay involved with a grandchild with whom I have no access? How do I cultivate unity in my family? In my neighborhood? How do I stay true to my social conscience and to you?”

    I turn to Mathew 6:9-13   I read, and re-read the Lord’s prayer.

    I ask..”How do I really walk this out?”

    So here it is..my super personalized Lord’s Prayer. Paraphrased by…me.

     Our father who art in heaven   
    Dear One  in heaven

    Hallowed be thy name
    Please reveal yourself to me and my family, so we may all draw closer in relationship to you, each other and the world around us.

    Your kingdom come. Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.
     Help me love my neighbor and welcome the stranger. Help me advocate for the vulnerable,  act mercifully and walk humbly today.

    Give us this day our daily bread.
     Thank you for my literal “bread” of breakfast tacos this morning and my spiritual “bread” of life, love and laughter today.

    Forgive us our trespasses
          Please open my eyes to those I have hurt. Give me wisdom to ask for forgiveness and make amends.

    As we forgive those who have trespassed against us
    Please remove seeds of bitterness or resentment I have in my heart to those who continue to hurt me, intentionally or not. Help me in my unforgiveness.

    Lead us not into temptation
    Please keep me away from amazon…  Please help me not to desire things, people or circumstances that are not for me. Help me accept and celebrate my life as it is right now.

    Deliver us from evil
    Please give me the wisdom and understanding to navigate malicious intent.

    Amen.

    I love you.

  •  It is always process for me to land on a word as a yearly intention. A word I try to sew deep in my heart as a navigate my day-to-day life.

    This year’s search for my “word” started with surface desires. I want to take my writing seriously for a year. See where it leads. I want to join the community orchestra because I miss playing with an orchestra.

    But also, I keep thinking about Jehoshaphat, King of Judah. (2 Chronicles)

     I was driving home from work one afternoon, when the DJ said, ‘or we could be like Jehoshapha, saying “hey, why don’t we try letting God in..” 

    I do not know much about Johosaphat, so I turn to Scripture and look him.

    As I read the story, I realize this is a story about intentionally letting God in at both at times of rise and times of conflict.  It is also a story about how we fail when we try to rely on our own strength. When we forget to Let God In.

    Hot Stuff and I discuss what it looks like to intentionally let God in. My dear husband says, “It’s simple. Just surrender everything and wait.”

    I am like, “Ugh, there must be more to it.” Truth is, I am a very action-oriented girl. Sitting and waiting has never been my strong point.

    I spend a bit of time reflecting on what  “letting God IN” is. It feels more like a path than an intention.  When I land on a word for the year I pray. I pray until I get a knowing in my spirit.

    I did not have the knowing. Just a “Yup, Nicole…don’t forget to let me in.” from God.

    Then?  I listened to an Abiding Together podcast on Cultivating Unity. It was one of a Three-part series on cultivating. Cultivating peace, beauty and unity.

    As I listened, I knew that my word for this upcoming year was simple. A year of cultivating.

    Cultivating my heart to understand the difference between anger and contempt. To actively listen to those in front of me. Especially those with differing opinions about things I hold dear. To ask, (in the words of St. Francis of Assisi) how can I “listen to understand rather than be understood”?

    How do I recognize and step away from gossip in the family, among friends, in the workplace?

    How do I cultivate grace within my heart in a world that is becoming more polarized by the second?

    This is where Jehosaphat comes back…

     I make the intention to remember to let God into all aspects of my life…my relationships, my finances, my work choices, my listening.  I am intentional in cultivating the grace of God in my heart. Because without that grace, I cannot hope to cultivate peace, beauty and unity within myself and my immediate surroundings.

    I look up cultivate in the Oxford Dictionary; try to acquire or develop (a quality, sentiment, or skill)

    I get to cultivate the grace of God in my heart. I look forward to knowing God more intimately as I take the time this year, to see the obstacles of grace within my heart.

    Cultivating grace is an inward act, the dig deep and lean on God part. But what about action? After all, I am still an action-oriented person. I believe “tactile learner” or “a bit hyper-active” are other words for this.

    I feel this is the year that I dig deep and cultivate my writing. I wonder how writing fiction fits with cultivating unity, peace, beauty.

    And then I hear a TED talk on ecological imagination and the need for more ecological science fiction.

    Yay, because that is what I have been playing with these past few years. A story of child pirates in an ecologically imagined future. A writing project I put aside this past summer and just recently picked back up.

    Just as the talks on CULTIVATING resonated with my heart, this challenge resonated as well.

    My action for the year is just that.  To complete the manuscript for project Captain Sasha. I have spent this past week, beginning the deeper research on the effects of global warming as I attempt to create a more scientifically accurate world for my young fictional pirate friends. The more I research, the deeper the rabbit trail goes.

    While my overactive imagination can often get me in trouble, this time, I believe it can help. AND I just happen to LOVE research projects. So here we go, God and I. Using my weaknesses as a strength. After all, isn’t that what we are all called to do?

    To lead with our weaknesses? Lots of room for God that way. No delusion of simply relying on my own strength because it’s not quite there.

    God says,” Hey, you want an action item? Come, follow me. Let’s CULTIVATE your writing, shall we? Let’s have some fun and I’ll show you how to do your part in caring for my creation.” (Genesis 1:26-28, Leviticus 25:1-7)

    Looking forward to 2026’s journey of intentional cultivating.

    Can’t wait to see how it unfolds.

  • This past week, one of my co-workers asked what my New Year’s Resolution was this past year.

    I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions. I do, however, settle on an intention. A word or phrase to guide my heart and actions for the year.

    In year’s past my intentions have ranged from a year of listening, to a year of self care, hospitality, self-care, obedience, rejoicing, a year of deep study, etc.

    But when my co-worker asked? I couldn’t remember.

    I responded “This past year was about walking through open doors….that’s how I landed here.” (as i gestured around the classroom).

    It was true. We had had many discussions, here at the Love Shack, about walking through the doors that open before us.

    It was only much later that I remembered my yearly intention hadn’t been “walking through open doors” at all.

    It was simply “Gone Fishing.”

    Hot Stuff and I were both literally and figuratively “going fishing”.

    We did this by posting a “gone fishing” notice on social media and taking an 8 month social media fast.

    We were consciously separating ourselves from drama and unnecessary white noise. We were literally fishing weekly as well as making an effort to exemplify Christ to others.

    Mathew 4:19  And he saith unto them, Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men

    Make a friend. Be a friend. Bring a friend to Christ.

    This was great for the first several months, then Hot Stuff and I simply forgot to be intentional. We are a bit fickle that way.

    Hot Stuff and I got sidetracked with Zombie movie marathons and hustling to make ends meet. We did, however, decide to walk through the opportunities before us.

    So in fishing terms, we “tried the other side”

    John 21:6 (NIV): “He said, ‘Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some.’ When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish.”

    When we figuratively “tried the other side” and walked through the doors before us..I began working at a nature based pre-school. So. Much. Fun.

    Hot Stuff took a job at a bakery, that turned out to be an epic disaster. He did, however, minister quietly to many of his coworkers, who recognized him from one of his annual singing gigs.

    When the bakery job stopped, Hot Stuff turned to Uber Delivery Driving. 

    For those of you who know him. My husband is legally blind. Yet, somehow, he was able to pass his eye exam for the drivers test. The idea of him driving as a part-time delivery driver? Never entered our minds.

    Yet here he is. Several mornings a week simply delivering meals in our immediate neighborhood. The definition of a miracle playing out before us.

     We have even started having weekly “Uber delivery dates” on Saturday mornings. I navigate. Hot Stuff picks up deliveries. We sing along with music on the car radio and just have fun.

    By the grace of God, with two part time incomes, our bills get paid.

    Scripture says “when they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large numbers of fish.”

    When Hot Stuff and I walked through the unexpected doors, the ones “on the other side”, we found new friends. New ways to connect ourselves. We found the gift of time to renew connections with old friends we had lost touch with.

    One of these reconnections encouraged me to start a faith based blog. I accepted the challenge, lazy writing and all.

    I put my vulnerabilities out here every other week as I walk my own faith out. It is another door I continue to walk through.

    Hot Stuff and I still have a roof over our heads, gas in our tank and food in the fridge. We have a housemate that fills our home with the sound of music and the smell of baked goods. We have a mischievous dog, and a cat who loves to tell on the dog while engaging in her own nonsense.

    We call her “Stitch the Snitch.”

    I have no idea what this next year’s intention will be. I am still praying on it.

    But this I know, God has blessed us in ways we could never imagine in our year of both real and imaginary fishing.

  • This morning, I planned to sit down and work on Detective Drew and the Science Crew. I couldn’t focus. I kept thinking about how we, here at the Love Shack, are a house of creatives.

    Instead of child detective adventures, I’m giving you my ramblings about a house of creative spirits.

    All of us, Hot Stuff, our roommate and myself, need creative outlets.

    Hot Stuff is a singer/songwriter who sings with various music ministries. HIs primary focus is with the Band One Achord. (video clip of a rehearsal below)To relax? He cooks. This man regularly cooks tasty meals from whatever is in the house. That? Is pretty dang creative.

    Our roommate is the music director for his church. He also writes his own music and plays a pretty mean keyboard. This gentleman bakes and creates his own recipes regularly. It is his way of relaxing.

    Me? I just write stories for kids, and occasionally mess around with the violin, piano or guitar. I make soups to unwind.

    Hah…apparently in this house of creatives, we like our food.

    None of us are making a living with our creative side. We all have day jobs. Jobs that allow us the time and headspace to maintain our creative passions.

    Why? Because God gave us these gifts and we ENJOY them.

    We find ways to give each other the time and space to create. Me? I mostly write in the mornings while the guys are at work. Hot Stuff? He spends his time alone thinking, praying, creating in the afternoons when our room mate and I are still at work.

    Our roommate? He’s the night owl. While we are calling it a night, he is just getting started. Baking in the kitchen, or with his headphones on at the keyboard.

    I feel truly blessed to be around these creative souls. Our conversations get to revolve around the creative process, recreations of songs, how we walk out our faith.

    Last night, as we were getting ready for bed, Hot Stuff and I spontaneously began singing “you’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch.”

    Just. Plain. Fun. Now the song is stuck in my head.

    This morning, our roommate and I discussed humility in ministry settings, the importance of building leaders, the importance of vulnerability and drum lines.

    Tonight at dinner, we will briefly talk of our day jobs and then most like talk about upcoming ministry dates, and discuss food. Yes, back to the “we like food” thing.

    How do I know these are the things we will most likely discuss? Because these seem to be the daily topics of choice we gravitate towards.

    We encourage each other by reminding each other of our gifts and WHOSE we are.

    Proverbs 27:17 Just as iron sharpens iron, friends sharpen the minds of each other.

    I think we are at a point in history, where it is REALLY important to use our creative gifts. Creativity comes in many forms and fashions and can be used in both worship and the workplace.

    I work in a nature based pre-school. I regularly see my co-workers use their artistic talents to draw and illustrate for our kids as they teach.

    I also see co-workers incorporate music, dance, story telling and creative problem solving skills daily.

    All jobs need creative problem solvers. Architectural firms, legal practices, hospitals, administrative offices…the list is endless.

    Exodus 35:31–32: “He has filled him with the Spirit of God, with skill, with intelligence, with knowledge, and with all craftsmanship, to devise artistic designs, to work in gold and silver and bronze.”

    No one says you have to be perfect. If you have even an inkling of a creative spirit within you, I encourage you to explore, play, open that cabinet of curiosities within you.

    I would love to see or hear about your creative endeavors!